An 18-year-old High School leaver from Birmingham, Alabama was rushed into the ER after he been severely electrocuted. After much hesitance, he later explained that he had been sat at his computer, visiting some "adult" websites. After his "right hand had said hello to his One Eyed Snake", he came, spraying his bodily fluids all over the keyboard and onto the screen, causing the current to pass through his body.

A couple hobbled into a Washington State emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his hands around his abdomen and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man. While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's penis and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go.

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, ‘How long have you been bedridden?’ After a look of complete confusion she answered, ‘Why, not for about twenty years — when my husband was alive.’

An elderly patient became irate during a medical examination when he peaked at the doctor’s chart and saw that the doctor had written Major S.O.B. underlined at the bottom. The physician stopped him in mid-rant by saying “Major Shortness of Breath. But now they both apply.”

As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I‘m sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener!”

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient‘s dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorse the patient.

been pulled to help out in ER...which I loved to do.

We were very busy that night. I cleaned up an exam room, and went to call back the next patient.
This lady, God love her, was about 68 years-old, 4-foot-nothing and weighed about 400 lbs. What caught my eye was her T-Shirt which had a very disturbing saying plastered across it:

"It's not how deep you fish, it's how you wiggle your worm."

Anyway, I took her back to the exam room, did her initial assessment, and asked what we could help her with. She said...and I will never forget...."I have a Kernel down 'there'" I remember thinking to myself she could have not only the "Colonel," but the whole chain of KFC...(I know, shame on me)

She then asked if I wanted to see it..........

"Um, that won't be necessary, Ma'am, just take off everything from the waist down, put this gown on, and the doctor will be in shortly."

I went to the doctors desk...he was a jovial man...and informed him of his next patient...I then whispered to him to take a glance at her T-shirt.

I continued calling back patients and assessing them, when I heard cries of, "Oh, doctor, what are you doing??!! Oh...my" coming from the woman's exam room.

As I went to check, the doctor came out of the room. I asked what happened and the doctor said:

"I guess I fished too deep."

I had to wait a moment to calm my laughter before I went to discharge the woman with a diagnosis of "Removal of Foreign Object."

Many years ago a man came into the ER with a grapefruit up his rectum. It couldnt be grasped with a clamp so the doc used a needle to extract the juice out of the grapefruit. After the man was released the doc asked anyone if they would like a glass of grapefruit juice.

A woman in Arkansas brought her baby in to see the doctor, and he determined right away the baby had an earache. He wrote a prescription for eardrops. In the directions he wrote, "Put two drops in right ear every four hours" and he abbreviated "right" as an R with a circle around it. Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil. The doctor looked at the bottle of eardrops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label: "Put two drops in R ear every four hours."

I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

A man comes into the ER and yells, ‘My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab!’ I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s dress, and began to take off her under-wear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs — and I was in the wrong one.

When I was doing home health, I had a patient who was very demanding and could be outright rude at times. At one point she had a terrible stomach virus which made her a daily patient for a while - of course I got stuck with her while she was daily. One morning I went in and she was sitting at the kitchen counter looking positively green around the gills. I said, "Are you alright?" She looked me dead in the eyes and said, "Hell NO! That Dr. is going to have to do something about these damn pills he gave me. They are too big to swallow and I have to cut them in half, and to top it all off, they are slimy and make me gag when I try to get them down!!" I nearly died laughing when I realized that the "pills" were glycerin suppositories.

During a patient's two-week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one? " I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.